I’ve been posting a lot about my mental health sitch on Facebook and Twitter, and of course, my Vlog on YouTube…but since I just posted this update on FB and Twitter, I figured I should do so here as well, for those Minions who are curious about my journey.
Brief background: I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and OCD my entire life and after this last bout of depression, I hit an all-time low. One so scary, I hate to think about it. And so now, as part of my healing process, I am trying to be more vocal about my journey. It keeps me in check, and if it helps others realize that there’s no shame in dealing with mental health issues, then that’s great. So…onto my latest update, Minions:
TRIGGER WARNING (depression, anxiety, suicidal urges):
So I haven’t been doing many mental health updates lately. Mostly because I’ve been down in the deep, dark muck of depression and the only roots I can seem to reach to pull myself out are filled with anxiety. But I’m having a pretty good day today, so I want to update you all while I’m feeling more like the me that I wish I were all the time (or that maybe I am, and just can’t see all the time). As much as I do love myself (and I do, because I’m awesome and all – I mean, just look at my hair and my morbid sense of humor), depression can add a thick grime to the window that lets me see how many people also love me. So when I forget that I love me, I often can’t see that you love me too, that anyone does. And it makes it easier to slip down deeper, into the darkness, where nothing is good and nobody cares. So first off, thank you for the reminders and love and support. Because it seems like such a simple thing, but just hearing that someone out there gives a damn about whether I live or die makes a world of difference.
I’m still on my meds. I take them every day (with my magic oatmeal, of course). And I think they’re working. Not completely, but I’m certain I’ll get to the right dosage eventually. It’s weird, because my OCD feeds my anxiety, which feeds my depression, which sticks me in a hole where I just go round and round about how much I suck and how no one cares and I don’t care and blah blah failure, blah blah what if, what if, what if….Some of you understand those feelings intimately. Some may not, and that’s okay. Just know that I had a really cool moment the other day – one that I’m determined to cling to. I was sitting outside, by my pool. My psychiatrist has been insisting I get some sun every day, as it helps with my depression (she says). So I was sitting there, and a thought popped into my head. One I haven’t thought in a few years, if I’m honest. The thought was, “I want to live.” And I do. And it surprised me to feel that way.
I want to live.
But it’s a fight. And it’s not an easy one. I was working on a writing project that was (and will be, some day) powerful and raw and real. It dealt with many of the issues I’m facing now. But it was too close. It made me feel too raw, too exposed. I’ve always said that writing is therapy for me, but this project was having the opposite effect. It was tearing me down, instead of healing me. Fortunately, I have the most amazing editor and publishing house and so many super understanding, ultra supportive peeps in my life. So that project is on hold for the moment. But not forever.
If you’re going through anything like I am, please get help. Because we can make it. It’ll be hard and feel impossible at times. But we can’t stop fighting for our survival. Because that’s not what Minions do. And even though I may get really down and have terrible, terrible ideas about ways to ease my pain sometimes…that doesn’t mean I’ll give into those ideas. Because that’s not what the Supreme Leader of the Minion Horde does either.
We’re in this together, Minions. I love you.